New Jersey > Pittsburgh

-Written April 7, 2022-

Currently Listening to "Watermelon Man" by Herbie Hancock

I came to the page with so much to say. Leaing I feel renewed, re-charged. I got to spend time with my family, dwell in a clean room with few(er) things, mill about singing as loudly as I want with no hesitation or fear of judgement. Home feels good because I do not fear judgement, even though it is sure. annoying, ashy, annoying, loud, too much, annoying, crazy, silly. Judgement is sure, but it does not stop me from being myself.

I leave home for Newark for the greyhound bus station in Newark in a a few minutes. I envision myself boarding the bus, finding a seat, putting my things into the over head and tucking the rest between my legs. Then nodding off after I text everyone that I made it safely onboard. I'm hoping for the best, while prepared for as much as I experienced last night.

For now, in my grandmother's old bedroom I'm sitting on the carpet writing this short reflection and feeling somewhat discouraged by my start and stopping. This is how I converse naturally, I say. Sometimes the words flow out and there are lines and lines of thoughts that have to do with each other. other times it feels like every line I write is a train headed in a different direction and I am the conductor at the center where all tracks begin.

At this stage in my life, in this season. today: I feel hopeful about my life. Feel the people I love close to my chest. cherish. I want to love my people while they are alive. I want to love them fully and wholly and I will. by making the time, expending the creative energy, by allowing myself to breathe and to speak, to rebut and refute, build sustain, play, intrigue, surprise, bewilder, be honest, by being true to our relationship and never what I think we should have or what we should be based on societal definitions of friend. I vow to see my people for who we are at all times. to look them in the eyes and mean what I say unless we are joking ofc.

More Life. and more abundantly. Earlier I was thinking of my baptism. the one that inducted me into this spiritual life. the one I did in the ocean water, with a spiritual mother and father I barely speak to now. I thought of that baptism in comparison to the baptism I felt when I came back from New Jersey in March. It was a Monday and after picking me up from the airport, Eszquire and I went to Ikea to look up ideas for the work space. We were in the parking lot when the words, Eszquire's words broke over my head. "You begin to realize that we're all just trying our best" I spent a lot of years blaming my Mom and blaming my Dad for the choices they made. Dad's to sleep with other women, to go back to Trinidad. Mom's to stay with my Dad even though he slept with other women and left for Trinidad. I blamed them because it hurt me that my Dad wasn't around. Him not being around made me feel like we were on our own and abandoned. In his absence I was angry, I didn't believe who he said he was or who I knew him to be, I started thinking him being in Trinidad was a scheme and that he had a second family. It made me angry that Mom sent him money, I felt like it should've been the other way around. unearthing these thoughts I wish I could be there for myself now to help myself talk these things through. I wish I was honest then about how I felt, just for my own sake. This is where I'm like where would I be now if I walked with the understanding that we are all trying our best at life?

I leave in about 6 minutes. some random music began to play as I bit my fingernails. Bubs just called to let me know she is downstairs. EEK! bye for now valley ct. <3